YM778.TV Chapter 73 - 73
Chapter 73
"...charming," Charles said. "But unfortunately Mr. Kaiba didn\'t want to get in the holiday spirit so I turned him into a Gingerbread Cookie."
They all stared at him for several long moments.
"And yes," Charles said, rolling his eyes, "I know I have to clarify what I mean by that when it comes to Domino City. He literally was turned into a cookie."
"Oooooooh," everyone said.
"We just assumed that was a sex metaphor!" Sally called out. Charles frowned at her and she shrugged. "We\'re all scared and drunk, we aren\'t thinking clearly."
"I\'m just drunk," Drake commented.
Charles accepted that answer. "Well, I want you to know that sadly your party won\'t be continuing now. But I assure you that we will be leaving you soon." The elevator behind him dinged. "Once I have what I desire I-"
One of the office workers screamed and Charles whipped around to find Linus\' dead body sitting in an office chair within the elevator, a santa hat plopped on his head.
Charles got to his feet and hurried over, motioning for Peppermint Patty and Marcie to join him. He pressed his lips together as he looked down at Linus\' sweat shirt, a small bloody hole in the middle... and writing on it.
"\'Now I have a security blanket\'," Charles read slowly, tugging on the sweatshirt to see the rest of the message. "\'\'Wa... Wa... Wa... Wa...\'."
"What do we do, Chuck?" Peppermint Patty asked.
"We stick to the plan," he said firmly. "Someone called Lucy, tell her that her brother is dead."
"Who could have done that?" Yugi whispered.
Mai smirked. "Edwin... only Edwin could be that much of an asshole."
~MC~MC~MC~
RING.... RING... RING...
"Oh god bless you Troy and your digital phoneness," I muttered to myself as a heard my phone ringing. It was an old trope that so many movies would only last 10 seconds if cellphones existed but in this case I could live with that.
Having escaped down several floors, just in case the Peanuts Gang (And how weird was my fucking life in filler arcs, compared to even my life in the canon stuff, that I could say something like that and it made sense for the situation I was in!) decided to look for Linus\' killer, I had decided to take the risk of calling the police. The one nice thing was that since I wasn\'t using a walkie talkie like in the movie I didn\'t have to worry about Hans (or Charles in this case) figuring out where I was.
"Hello, Domino City Police Department."
" Hi this is Edwin Chaos and I\'m-"
"The Edwin Chaos that destroyed part of the Domino Shopping Mall?"
I blinked.
"Holy fuck people remember that? I thought the whole musical thing... never mind. Listen, I am sure you guys hate my guts so if you want to come and try and arrest me and do some police brutality I have no problem with that. You\'ll need to come to the KaibaCorp Building... oh, which is swarming with armed thieves who have taken hostages."
"Sir," the dispatcher said slowly, "I want to make sure I have this straight: You are trapped in the KaibaCorp Building."
"Uh huh."
"It is being held by terrorists."
"Thieves posing as terrorists... though I suppose their actions do make them now terrorists as well, doesn\'t it?"
"Who are trying to steal something during a Christmas Party?"
"That\'s... how did you know it was a Christmas Party?"
"One moment." I heard some muffled movement, and then, "GINA! WE GOT A DIE HARD!"
Which was followed by cheers on the other end of the phone.
"What the fuck?" I said in confusion.
The dispatcher came back on. "Sir, we are activating the Die Hard Protocol right now. If you\'ll please wait we\'ll be having on site your contact with us. Now, have you done the TV Dinner scene?"
Utterly flummoxed all I could do was say, "No. I\'m scared of heights so I couldn\'t do the elevator part of that either."
"Very well," the dispatcher said. "While reasonable we do ask you don\'t skip anything further. Now then, we have locked onto the lead terrorist\'s phone and we are using the GPS in your phone to alert him to where you are."
"YOU\'RE WHAT?!"
"Please find a table to hide under sir. And think of your quip. We\'ll call when your on-site contact has arrived. Thank you."
And with that she hung up.
"WHAT?!"
~MC~MC~MC~
"Thank you," a heavy set black man said, smiling at the fan who had asked them to sign their poster. "Enjoy the rest of the convention." He wiggled his pen, trying to determine if he should get a new one, when two police officers walked up to him. "Yes?"
"Sir, we need you to come with us," the first said.
"We\'ve activated the Die Hard Protocols," the second said.
At once the African American man nodded. "Of course."
~MC~MC~MC~
DING!
"FUCK!" I screamed, diving under a table just as a blonde woman stormed in, firing a machine gun wildly.
"You are going to pay for killing my sweet baboo!" The terrorist, Sally (the Peanut, not the daycare worker), shouted. She began to fire into the table itself, sending a spray of wood chips all over the place, forcing me to scramble back.
"Damn it all I wonder if Edna has to put up with shit like this!"
~Meanwhile, on Earth-3~
"it\'s the best Christmas Movie Ever!" Edna excitedly told Josephine as they walked down the snowy streets. "So Holly McClane moved to LA after she divorced her husband but John comes to visit her and see if they can work things out. But he and all of her co-workers get captured by Gretel and her band of thieves and Holly has to use her knowledge of her workplace, along with all the stories she heard from John about police work, to outsmart them and save everyone!
~MC~MC~MC~
I continued to crawl under the table, Sally having leapt on top of it and begun shooting downward in an attempt to get me. I reached the end but Sally had to load a new clip.
"You know," she said, loading the magazine, "the next time you have the chance to kill someone, don\'t hesitate."
I spun around and began crawling the opposite way.
"Hey!" Sally shouted, swinging her gun around... while she remained in place. I watched through the bullet holes in the table as she POINTED IT AT HER OWN CHEST AND PULLED THE TRIGGER.
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" I screamed as she torn her chest up into hamburger, falling to the table, dead. "Uh... I don\'t think that counts as me killing someone. Right? Right? Jesus? We good?"
My phone rang.
"...hello?" I said slowly. "Jesus?"
"This is the Domino City Police. Have you killed the terrorist?"
"I got them to kill themselves, does that count?"
"...let me check." I heard shuffling of papers. "Yes actually, it does. Very clever. Now please throw the body out the window."
"Excuse me?"
"Like in-"
"I know it\'s like Die Hard! Why are we following that script?!"
"Sir, please just do as asked. We can\'t provide assistance if you won\'t follow our requests."
"...fine," I grunted, grabbing Sally\'s gun and firing at the window, blowing it out before I dragged her corpse to the window only to find a cop car below... with a target painted on it. "Seriously?" I sighed and tossed the body onto it. "Welcome to the party, pal!" I shouted.
~MC~MC~MC~
Down with the hostages Charles frowned as his phone rang.
"This is Charles Brown."
"Mr. Brown this is the Domino Police Department again."
"Yes and I\'m still not quite sure how you got this number or why you are helping me."
"Die Hard Protocol, sir," the dispatcher stated, like that answered any of his questions. "Now then, I am patching you in to the lone man that can save the day. Please hold."
There was a click and then Kanye West\'s new Hanukah album began to play.
"Who thought it was a good idea to make this?" Charles said, letting out a long sigh as he waited for the connection to be made-
"Hello?"
"Hello, who is this?" Charles asked.
"Someone who is really confused and annoyed right now," the man on the other end said.
"That makes two of us," Charles admitted before deciding to ignore the silliness of Domino City and just find out as much as he could about the man who was causing him so much trouble. "You seem to have a knack for causing problems to arise. I\'m impressed... I assumed what lowly security would be left in the building and not at the Christmas Party down in the parking garage wouldn\'t be so skilled."
"Sorry to burst your bubble but I\'m not security," the other man said.
"Then who are you?"
"Just a pain in the ass. A fly in the ointment." He paused. "Listen, I know you are trying to steal something but is there any way I can pay you off?"
"Unless you are a multi-millionaire I doubt it."
"...if I were?"
"Even then, no. It is the honor of the thing."
"Oh for fuck\'s sake, is this like dueling honorably in Battle City and not buying your way into the finals?"
"Yes because anyone who does that would be the true monster."
The other man huffed at that.
Charles shook his head, looking over at Lucy who was nearly VIBRATING wanting to go and find the man that had killed her brother. Charles though shook his head silently before turning his attention back to the phone conversation. "You can\'t win, you know. I can tell by your accent you are American... though everyone in Domino has American accents."
"Yeah, it\'s weird. And why do you sound like a Brit doing a German accent? I thought you grew up in the good ol\' USA, Chuck."
"How does he-" Lucy began only for Charles to shoot her a dark look, getting her to grow quiet and let him talk.
"You think you can ride in here like John Wayne or Clint Eastwood and save the day, Mr. Cowboy?"
"Actually I was always fond of Woody for Toy Story."
Charles furrowed his brow at that. "Well, I will just send some of my men to deal with you... what do you have to say to that?"
There was a pause.
"There\'s a snake in my boot, mother fucker."
The line went dead.
~MC~MC~MC~
"Sir?" one of the investigators for CCN called out, running over to the owner of the Media Empire, Kipling Chaos. "Reports are that KaibaCorp is being held by terrorists. It sounds like your nephew is involved."
"We\'ll send our best wetworks team to get him out," Kipling said. "It can\'t be worse than Duelist Kingdom."
"But sir, according to the police... this is a Die Hard situation."
At once Kipling\'s entire demeanor changed from grim determination to amusement. "Oh boy! Edwin will have fun with that! I need a sleezy reporter, stat!"
"Yes sir?" a man in a rumpled suit asked.
Kipling considered him. "No... no, you still have dignity and humanity."
"Thank you sir."
"I need someone sleezier!"
Another reporter raised his hand. "Woody Allen did nothing wrong, sir."
"PERFECT!" Kipling proclaimed. "Get down to KaibaCorp and make problems!"
~MC~MC~MC~
"Hello?"
I looked over at my phone, not having even heard it ring.
"Uh...hello?" I said. I was in yet another part of KaibaCorp, leaning against a wall, catching my breath.
"Is this the man that has been dealing with the terrorists?"
"It is," I said slowly. "You my contact person?"
"I am. You got a name."
"Call me... Woody."
"Well Woody, what do you make of all this?"
"Well, I-" I stopped, brow furrowing. "You\'re voice sounds SUPER familiar."
The other man chuckled. "Reginald VelJohnson."
"...the guy who arrested the Ghostbusters?" I let out a chuckle. "I\'m kidding. I\'m kidding. Al Powell from Die Hard."
"That\'s the one. I was doing an autograph signing downtown when I got the call you needed to talk to me."
"God, they roped you into this madness? What is with this fucking Die Hard Protocol?"
"Hey, don\'t knock the Protocol. It works good. Very high success rate."
"...wait, you know about the Protocol?"
"Oh yeah," Reginald said. "Every Christmas I get a call that I need to talk to someone while they do a Die Hard. It\'s a whole industry."
"Huh... they get the guy who played the teacher in The Breakfast Club to come over too?"
"He died in 2006."
"Seriously?" I said, shocked. "I hadn\'t heard that. Wow... that\'s real sad." I suddenly shook my head. "What the fuck am I doing?!" I banged my head against the wall. "Hey Reg, tell me that the police are at least doing something to try and help me out here."
"Well they are setting up for a failed attempt to breach the building."
"A... failed attempt?"
"Yeah."
"They are SETTING UP TO FAIL?!"
"Oh yeah."
"...hey Reg?"
"Yeah Woody?"
"I\'m going to hang up and scream for a few minutes, okay? Call you back."
"Take your time. I\'m paid by the hour."
"Huh." I hung up. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
~MC~MC~MC~
"We need the detonators," Charles told Peppermint Patty. "Without them-"
"Sir?" Marcie said, letting in a tall blonde woman. "She says she needs to speak with you."
Charles pressed his lips in a fine line before finally nodding, waving for the woman to come in. "Yes, Miss-"
"Mai... Mai Valentine," she said simply. "We need to discuss some things."
"And who put you in charge?"
"You\'d rather deal with Joey Wheeler?"
"...fair," Charles said, having done a bit of research on his captives and had the misfortune of having to listen to one of Joey\'s recorded dueling speeches. "What can I do for you?"
"Some of the parents out there brought their kids with them. We have a mini daycare being run by a third party so Sally could have the night off."
"My sister?"
Marcie though shook her head. "Different Sally."
"Ah."
"They\'d like assurances that your men won\'t wake them and scare them."
"So long as you give me a reason not to wake them I can agree to that."
"Second, unless you want things to get messy out there you need to begin arranging trips to the bathroom."
"Of course. They will need to make it quick though."
"Oh, it won\'t be quick. 20 to 30 minutes for the women. Men might be quicker."
Charles frowned at that. "How long does it take for someone to go to the bathroom?"
"This isn\'t about taking a whiz. Some idiot out there began talking about how when you are stressed you should find celebrity feet pics-"
"And jerk off to them, yes, I know," Charles said.
"Well now half of the party goers are horny."
Charles sighed.
"Joey, what is that man looking at?"
"Don\'t look at his phone, sis!"
"This better not awaken anything in me," Duke commented.
~MC~MC~MC~
"Hey Reginald... you there?"
Reginald picked up his phone. The area around the KaibaCorp building had gotten rather busy and full. There were police of course but also reports, concerned citizens, and fans of Bruce Willis movies. "Yea Woody, I\'m here. Have this set to Walkie Talkie Mode... to make it feel more like the movie."
"...that\'s nice," Edwin said. Reginald had been briefed on who \'Woody\' really was but, as part of the Die Hard Protocol he had to call him by his alias for a while. "Listen, I was wondering if you could do me a solid and tell the police to storm the fucking building?"
"The SWAT team is already here and going over the gameplan for how they will die."
"That\'s great!" Edwin said.
Reginald looked about.
"...hey Reg?" Edwin said again. "Follow up question, hope you don\'t mind... when you say they are going over the game plan for how they will die... you mean the terrorists, right? They\'ll be the ones dying?"
The actor was quiet.
"Reg?"
He looked over at the commander of the SWAT team.
"Men... we\'ve trained for this. We have prepared for this. And I want you to know that there isn\'t a single group of sons of bitches I wouldn\'t want to be leading into this more than I want to lead all of you!"
"We\'re with you sir!" one man said.
"I know you all, Billups. That makes me glad to know. I am proud and honored to lead you all to your deaths."
"In awesome and comedic ways, sir!" all the men declared.
"Exactly boys... exactly. Now, let\'s go over this one more time. Wallace, you are going to take lead. You being shot and killed, preferably as you are telling everyone that this is going to be easy or that everyone is going to make it out in one piece will be wonderful for dramatic irony."
"I am ready, Sarge."
"Now, Jordan, I want you to die a slow, painful death. Maybe lose a leg or something."
Jordan nodded. "I can hold out for a long time before I suddenly die without warning, sir."
"Good man. Good man. That will be the perfect way to destroy a hope spot. As for me... I plan to make it look like I am coming to save you all only for these terrorists to kill me in a way that makes everyone understand that the stakes had been raised."
"YOU CAN DO IT SARGE!" Billups declared.
The commander nodded. "I am proud of you boys. All of you. You\'re good lads to die with. And just know that if one of you survives... no one will think less of you."
"I bet its O\'Malley who lives!" Jordan teased.
"Come on guys," O\'Malley whined. "I can die like the rest of you."
"Just keep thinking that way, newbie," The commander said. "Now then... let\'s-"
Charles\' terrorists opened fire, turning all the SWAT team into cookies.
"...it\'s not looking good down here, Woody. Think it\'s time you did something drastic."
"Good idea," Edwin said. "I\'m calling another police department."
Reginald nodded. "I\'ll tell them to look out for the- wait, what?"
"I\'m calling another police department. One that is sane. I should have known police picked by Tea\'s fucking dad would be bad at their jobs. He couldn\'t even kill me right, how was he supposed to be able to train people to take out terrorists? They are terrorists! I\'m just a Self Insert!"
Reginald frowned at that, turning so that the other people that were gathered couldn\'t hear him speak. "Listen, I know this is stressful for you but you have to know that we all care for you and we love you and want you out here."
"Well I\'m not feeling the love at the moment, Reg. What I\'m feeling is you guys are using this as entertainment."
"We aren\'t."
"Get your Die Hard/Domino City T-Shirts here! Die Hard/Domino City T-shirts!"
Reginald waved the vendor off.
~MC~MC~MC~
"Guys, look at this," Martin whispered, passing his phone over to Cassie and Caesar. Aria, who was next to them, had fallen asleep and was dozing on Cassie\'s shoulder.
"Martin, I swear if this is a picture of ScarJo\'s feet-"
"Not that!" he hissed at Cassie. "Look, it\'s a report on the hostage situation."
Caesar frowned. "Die Hard Protocols? Seriously?"
Cassie frowned. "I\'m sorry but what?"
Martin was the one who answered. "It\'s a movie. Bruce Willis goes to his ex wife\'s Christmas party but thieves attack, holding everyone but him hostage. He goes around killing bad guys. Great movie."
"Not so great when we have to live it," Cassie muttered.
"Hey baby," Bobby from Accounting said, leaning on Cassie and breathing on her rather heavily. Cassie might have been the office drinker but she could handle her booze... Bobby, on the other hand, was drunk. He was a heavy set man with hair that had once been brown but was now dyed blond to try and attract \'college girls\' (or at least people prayed that\'s who he meant). "So I\'ve been looking at some interesting pics on my phone and I\'ve been thinking that if jerking off relieves stress what would really calm you down..." he began to trace a finger down to her cleavage.
"Fuck off, Bobby," she snapped, shoving him away, causing the drunk man to topple to the ground with a groan. "Are there any annoying assholes in that movie?"
Martin frowned. "Well... Ellis. But he gets a hole blown through his head."
Cassie slowly turned towards Bobby who was trying to get up.
"...no," Drake said. "Cassie no."
"Cassie yes!" she said with a grin before saying, "Oh Bobby!"
~MC~MC~MC~
I frowned when my phone rang, the caller ID showing that it was Charles. Looking about to make sure that there were enough escape routes, just in case this was setting up a trap, I finally picked up. "Hello?"
"I have someone that wants to talk to you. Says they know you. Maybe you remember them... blonde hair... large breasts?"
I swallowed. "Yeah... put\'em on."
But rather than my girlfriend I heard a deep and slurred voice say, "Edwin, buddy!"
"...Selene, did you grow a penis?"
"Heh, save the flirting for someone who ain\'t straight like me! It\'s Bobby! Bobby Bobby Bobby! Ya know me, right?"
"...no."
"Come on, its your pal Bobby! Listen, Cassie told me how this goes! I get you to stop and we all go home happy. That\'s why Ellis is the hero of Die Hard!"
I pulled the phone away from my ear for a moment, staring at it before finally saying, "Charles... make sure his Gumdrop Buttons stick."
And I hung up the phone.
~MC~MC~MC~
Cassie, Caesar, Drake, and Martin looked up as Lucy tossed a cookie at them. A rather fat gingerbread man cookie, honestly.
"Well, that went exactly as I expected," Martin said, picking up the cookie while Aria let out a yawn, blinking her eyes.
"Mmmm... that was a nice- oh, are we still kidnapped? That sucks." Her eyes suddenly lit up. "Hey, a cookie!" She snagged the gingerbread cookie and bit off its head, chewing on it happily.
"Did... did Aria just kill a man?" Caesar asked, stunned.
"Yes she did!" Cassie said, delighted.
~MC~MC~MC~
"Mr. VelJohnson?" an officer said, walking up to him. "It\'s for you."
The actor took the walkie talkie. "Yes?"
"This is Charles Brown. I am the one currently in control of KaibaCorp. To whom am I speaking with?"
"My name is Reginald VelJohnson. "
"...the limo driver from Crocodile Dundee?"
Reginald blinked at that, taking a moment before stating, "Not one of the roles people normally remember me for but yeah, that\'s me."
"While it is a... pleasure... to speak with you, Mr. VelJohnson, I was told I was being connected to the officer in charge of the police presence outside of the building at this very moment."
Reginald looked around. "Well... I think that\'s me."
"...are you being serious right now."
"Yeah. They are in Die Hard Protocol."
"Die Hard Protocol?"
"Uh huh. You know... it\'s around Christmas, someone takes hostages in a building, one lone man-"
Charles cut him off. "Die Hard... LUCY!"
"What?" another voice said over the radio.
"When I asked you if this caper sounded familiar when Linus suggested it you told me no. Why then, exactly, is it being pointed out to me that this is merely Die Hard?"
"It is?" she said.
"Yes," Charles said slowly, his tone making it clear he was annoyed.
"Well don\'t blame me, you blockhead! It was Linus who came up with it."
"Then I am even more thrilled he is dead." There was some ruffling sounds and then Charles stated. "My apologizes, Mr. VelJohnson. I wasn\'t aware that I was... stealing from Die Hard."
"Hey man, its good. At least it\'s Die Hard 1. Some times people get all artistic and try to do Die Hard 2. That always feels like they would have been better off just doing Die Hard 1, you know?"
"I do not," Charles said blandly. "So you are the one I must reach out to give my demands?"
"Yup, that\'s me!" Reginald stated.
"Very well. I have taken KaibaCorp and its workers hostage and will not be returning any of them until my demands are met. There are compatriots who I wish freed from captivity. You will see this done."
"Well, I\'m just an actor so I\'ll try-"
"If the governments of the world will not work with one of the stars of Turner and Hooch then I suppose I\'ll blow the building up now."
Reginald quickly called out, "Wait! Wait! No need to do that! I... I will get it done, of course." He waved at an officer who gave him a pad of paper and a pen. "Okay, so who would you like released?"
"H?gar T Horrible. Garfield T. Cat. Jason Fox. Sally Forth-"
"Mary Worth as well?"
"No," Charles said coldly. "In fact if she isn\'t already arrested I demand she be placed in jail where she belongs."
Reginald let out a sigh of relief. "Don\'t worry, I can promise you we\'ll arrest that bitch no matter what. In fact we don\'t even need a hostage for that one... its free."
"Very good."
There was a pause.
"Tell me... in... Die Hard... what exactly happens next in terms of the hero?"
~MC~MC~MC~
"It is hour 4 of the hostage situation at the KaibaCorp building," Max DeWitt, CCN\'s worst newscaster (kept only on the payroll for situations such as this) stated, "and so far we know nothing that is going on. But that won\'t stop us from taking wild and mad guesses about what MIGHT be happening. Joining us today is the ghost of famed movie reviewer, Roger Ebert."
"Thanks for having me," a figure in a white sheet, two black circles for eyes the only splash of color on the cloth.
"So Mr. Ebert, you\'ve seen Die Hard, correct?"
"That\'s right and I gave it 2 stars because I felt the cop played by that guy from The Breakfast Club was too cartoony for the film- ow!" he covered his head before turning and glaring at one of the station\'s camera operators who\'d thrown a shoe at him.
"Well, you still have seen the movie. So what can you tell us about what will happen next?"
The Ghost of Roger Ebert nodded. "Well very soon Edwin Chaos, who is according to reports the sole party guest who wasn\'t captured, will be forced to walk barefoot over a floor covered in glass."
"Horrifying..." DeWitt stated. "Now, we really have nothing else to report so would you like to make wild guesses about his mental state without having any information?"
"I\'m a movie reviewer and a ghost... what else would I want to do on Christmas?"
~MC~MC~MC~
"So I looked up Die Hard\'s Wikipedia page," Schroeder stated, looking down at his phone, "and according to this you are supposed to go off on your own to check the detonators only for Edwin to stumble upon you and there to be a bit of a cat and mouse over if he knows who you are or not."
"Does he?"
"Yeah, he figures out very quickly."
"Then we aren\'t doing that," Charles said firmly.
Schroeder frowned, looking up from his phone. "But in Die Hard-"
"We are NOT doing Die Hard," Charles said firmly. "This is my heist... I am not going to have people claiming I ripped off the guy who was originally going to be Leonardo Leonardo in Clerks: The Animated Series." Charles took a moment to gather himself, to make sure that he was calm before he began talking to his fellow thieves once more. "We are not going to follow a script written by Hollywood. We are going to be doing things proper."
"So how do we find Edwin Chaos?" Schroeder asked.
"We don\'t," Charles said simply. "The police are outside and soon will cut the power to the building to smoke us out. Especially if that is what they did in Die Hard..." he looked at Schroeder who nodded as he double checked the Wikipedia and TVtropes pages. "Then we use them following the script to our advantage. Edwin will be expecting us to follow the same methods as the film while we will collect our money and escape. Simple as that."
Schroeder, after a brief moment, nodded.
~MC~MC~MC~
"So," I said, tucked behind a desk in... someone\'s office, honestly I wasn\'t for sure who it belonged to, "I have something I have to ask, Reginald."
"What\'s that?"
"How did you end up stuck doing stuff like this? Reenacting Die Hard. I mean do you just enjoy it?"
"Enjoy getting dragged to some building in the middle of winter to freeze while I talk to someone dealing with terrorists? No man, I don\'t enjoy that it all. I could go without hearing someone scream as they dig glass out of their feet for once."
I looked down at my bare toes. "Yeah... let\'s NOT do that part of Die Hard, okay?" I shuddered. "So what happened? You need the money?"
"Actually I have a tidy little nest egg." He paused before sighing. "Its work though. I do stuff, from time to time of course. Small parts, voice work, that sort of thing. But nothing big anymore."
"Why not?"
"Because instead of being one of the leads in a family sitcom I became the second banana to Steve Urkel."
"...oh."
"Yeah."
I swallowed. "So... I want to apologize for really liking that show back when I was a kid."
"You... liked Family Matters with Steve Urkel?"
"He...might have been my favorite character?"
Silence.
"Reg?"
The power suddenly went out.
"Reginald, talk to me man," I hissed as I got up and looked out the window. "What\'s going on? The power went out."
"Huh," he said, surprised. "Well, I was leaning on this switch that said KILL POWER and it shifted-"
"That killed the power!"
Reginald was quiet again before, with a voice tinted with malice, he said, "Did I do that?"
"You mother fucker."
"Get Urkel to build you a time machine to undo it then!" Reginald exclaimed before hanging up.
"God damn it!" I snarled, grabbing the weapons I\'d taken from Linus and hurrying down towards the vault...
...only to run into Lucy.
"You killed my brother," she snapped.
"Admittedly I probably killed a few people\'s brothers so far," I muttered. "Fire tends to do that. Was he wearing a purple robe?"
Lucy snarled before taking out a knife, tossing it from hand to hand before doing a series of spins with it.
I shot her through the forehead.
"Harrison Ford better not sue my ass for that," I muttered. "Also filler arc, it doesn\'t count!"
~MC~MC~MC~
"Ladies and Gentlemen," Charles called out as Schroeder, Snoopy, Woodstock, and Franklin dragged out all the cards, cash, and other goodies they\'d managed to get out of the KaibaCorp vault, "I wish to thank you all for your patience. In the spirit of giving I will allow you to keep your lives this Christmas. Now, if you could all wait here we will be with you shortly-"
Gun shots rang out and Schroeder and Snoopy went down.
"I HATE the Peanuts gang," Edwin snarled as he slowly entered the room, looking rather beat up. "Mostly because of your writer. Did you know he lied to his own wife about how he was bullied in high school when in fact he was super popular? And the Little Red Haired Girl was designed after the women he still LUSTED for even after marrying her? He was a massive tool."
"I don\'t know what you are talking about," Charles said, drawing his own gun. Edwin pulled the trigger on his only to receive a click-click-click. That made Charles smirk as he aimed right at Edwin\'s chest, Franklin drawing his own gun. "I\'m afraid that this isn\'t going to end like Die Hard. No heroic second wind, no fall from the building." He paused. "How did you put it... there\'s a snake in my boot... mother fucka."
Edwin began to chuckle at that, Charles doing the same.
"Why... why are we laughing?" Franklin asked.
"I don\'t know about you two," Edwin said, "but I finally got downstairs and got Yuri and Renard."
Charles froze as a knife suddenly pressed itself to his throat. "Please stop pointing a gun at my captain," Renard said coolly.
"I am going to protest that I have to take out the black guy," Yuri said as she tore the gun from Franklin\'s hands. "I\'m a cop... this isn\'t a good look for me."
"Bitch bitch bitch," Edwin said, walking over to a door and motioning for the two to bring the last of the terrorists with them. He focused and when he swung it open a VERY startled Kemo in his jail cell looked up, shocked. "Got you some cellmates, buddy!" Edwin shouted as Yuri and Renard tossed the two in. "Merry Christmas ya filthy animal."
And with that Edwin slammed the door shut.
"So... ho ho ho?" he said just before Mai collided with him, giving him a searing kiss.
"I think she\'s happy to see him," Duke said with a laugh as he slowly got up.
"Where is Seto though?" Mokuba asked, looking about.
Edwin tossed a gun towards the R and D guy who had removed his ability to monologue. "Reverse engineer that to turn cookies back into people, would ya? There must be a setting or something."
"We lead weird lives," Mai joked, lightly bumping her forehead against Edwin\'s.
"Tell me about it-"
His phone rang.
"Reginald, I swear if you are calling to apologize..."
"Mr. Chaos?" someone said on the other line, "I am Lt. Mathers of the Domino City police. I\'m just calling to inform you that you are all going to be okay. We\'ve met the terrorist\'s demands and all of the people they wanted freed are being send in."
"...wait, what?" Edwin said just as the elevators dinged and from several of them spewed out nearly every newspaper comic strip character out... all armed with clubs, bats, and other weapons. "Aw fuck."
"Screw this!" Joey exclaimed. "I ain\'t gettin\' kidnapped again! Let\'s take these freaks out!"
"Joey," the Pharaoh said, finally taking control for the first time that night, "there are other ways other than fighting-"
"Listen to the youth with stupid hair," Prince Valliant said, pointing a sword at the Pharaoh.
"Stupid?" the Pharaoh said slowly. "Stupid? NO ONE CALLS MY GLORIOUS MANE STUPID!"
"So we are doing this," Martin commented as he grabbed the knife used to cut the cake while Edwin groaned and snatched up some garland to use as a garrote.
"Looks like it," Cassie said, snagging a plastic candy cane, Drake frowning as he selected a nutcracker.
"Aria," Edwin said, looking at the head of R&D who was holding a large weapon with blinking lights and sparks coming off the tip, "what is that?"
She smiled, "It\'s a gun from the future."
"Where did you get that?!"
Aria just let out an adorable giggle.
"Some fight music, Edwin?" Mai asked as she slipped on some brass knuckles.
"Troy?"
Edwin\'s phone began to play.
This thing right here
Is lettin\' all the ladies know
What guys talk about
You know, the finer things in life
Haha
Check it out
"Seriously?" Sally asked.
"Shut up and kill someone!" Edwin snapped.
"That seems dark for you," Mokuba pointed out.
"FILLER ARC!"
"...meh, works for me," Drake said.
And as one the KaibaCorp employees and their guests roared and charged the comic strip characters.
Ooh that dress so scandalous
And you know another (censored) couldn\'t handle it
So you shakin\' that thang like who\'s the ish
With a look in your eyes so devilish, uh
"It\'s not my fault that my husband doesn\'t understand me!" The mom from For Better or Worse whined as she and Cassie dueled sword vs. candy cane. "I\'m just perfect and amazing and he sucks and doesn\'t understand me. Just like the rest of the world!"
Cassie snarled and broke a chunk of her candy cane decoration before rushing the woman, stabbing her in the stomach.
"Well you bleed perfectly well..." she said darkly, grabbing the woman\'s had so she could watch the light fade from her eyes.
You like to dance, all the hip hop spots
And you cruise to crews like connect the dots
Not just urban, she like the pop
\'Cause she was Livin\' la Vida Loca
"Why won\'t you DIE?!" Martin shouted as he stabbed into Garfield.
"All my fat protects me," the cat said lazily. "It ensures-ERK!" He clutched at his chest.
"No... no you don\'t get out of this with a heart attack!" Martin snarled, continuing his stabbing.
She had dumps like a truck, truck, truck
Thighs like what, what, what
Baby, move your butt, butt, butt
Uh, I think I\'ll sing it again (c\'mon)
"The sun won\'t be coming out for you tomorrow, bitch," Little Orphan Annie said with a dark giggle. "Because you won\'t be alive tomorrow!"
Sally merely smirked before reaching into her pocket... and throwing white grit at the red head.
"Pocket sand?" Annie asked.
But the head of KaibaCorp\'s daycare shook her head. "Powdered Sugar. KIDS!"
From one of the side rooms all of the children that had been staying in the nursery Seto had set up for the party swarmed out, engulfing a screaming Annie.
"Careful... they\'re biters."
She had dumps like a truck, truck, truck
Thighs like what, what, what
All night long
Let me see that thong (c\'mon)
"I should have known it would end this way!" Dilbert said as Edwin wrapped the garland around his neck. "All interactions between men end in violence!"
"...what the fuck are you talking about?"
"Stick your finger in your dad\'s asshole, see what happens."
Edwin\'s brow ticked.
"I watched my stepson die and did nothing!"
Edwin began to slowly strangle the office worker.
Baby (girl, I know you wanna show da na da na)
That thong th-thong, thong, thong
I like it when the beat goes (da na da na)
Baby, make your booty go (da na da na)
(Girl, I know you wanna show da na da na)
That thong th-thong thong, thong (uh, listen)
"Hey guys, sorry I\'m late-" James, the security guard at CCN, said as he entered only to spot Caesar cut the head off of Recruit Zero while the OTHER Caesar, from Astrid, was being drowned in the punch bowl by Drake. Aria was standing on the balcony, firing like Scarface at Calvin while the Pharaoh kept smashing the head of Prince Valliant into the floor. Joey and Serenity were fighting Dagwood over the last sandwich. Edwin had somehow gotten ahold of his Morpher and was now a Power Ranger, dueling against Crankshaft.
"Can I switch with someone?" Tristan asked just before Rose\'s biker form punched him.
"You can have the family from Jump Start!" Yuri called out. "Seriously, why do I keep getting the black people?"
James frowned, holding up his hands. "You are busy... I\'ll come back later-"
"Can we talk about some geo-political developments?" a talking tiger asked him.
"...no," James said, pulling out his gun and blowing his stuffing out.
"Guys!" Tea called out, looking out a window. "I see Don Henley, Joe Walsh, Tim Schmit, and Vince Gill coming inside!"
"Hey, the band Kaiba hired finally got here!" Renard shouted as he took out Beetle Bailey with a throat chop, Yuri stabbing Hagar with his own helmet.
"THE EAGLES ARE COMING!" Mokuba cheered.
~MC~MC~MC~
I groaned as a pressed an ice pack to my head, still in my Ranger outfit, my helmet sitting beside me. "Well... that escalated quickly." I glance from the ambulance I was in to the burning KaibaCorp building. "I mean that got out of hand really fast."
"Honestly once Duke found those grenades I knew we\'d past the Rubicon," Mai admitted. "...Merry Christmas Edwin."
"Merry Christmas Mai."
"So are you joining my Avengers?" the Grinch asked as he handed me a blanket.
"No and stop asking!"
NEXT YEAR: Hallmark Presents A Very Special Edwin Christmas
...also he might join the Yule Avengers
"NO I WON\'T!"